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Понедельник, 24 Июл 2017

Юмор

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Humor

SIXTH SENSE

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"

 

How cold is it outside?

How Cold Is Cold?

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 

50 Miami residents turn on the heat 

40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 

35 Italian cars don't start 

32 Water freezes 

30 You plan your vacation to Australia 

25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 

15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 

5 American cars don't start 

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts 

-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink 

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist 

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start 

-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going 

-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start 

-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South 

-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window 

-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South 

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets 
 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

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Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 

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Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 

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Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 

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Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

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Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!” 

 

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

 

 

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

 

 

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

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To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

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To stamp out burning ducks

 

PLAYING IT SAFE

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

Candles

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down the main street of Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll be glad to light a candle for you."

"Thank -you, Father." And away she went.

Some years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well ," she said.

"And tell me ," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said, " And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, " He's gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle."

 

Life’s Like That

An 85 year old man is at the doc's having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story...

I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible !" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly." 

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were captured by Red Indians. The Indians told them, "There's good news, and there's bad news. The bad news is that we are going to kill you and use your skin to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to decide how you are going to die."

They asked the brunette how she wanted to die, she asked for poison, drank it and departed.

They then asked the redhead how she wanted to die and she said she wanted them to shoot her, which they promptly did.

When they finally asked the blonde how she wanted to die, she asked for a fork.

They gave her a fork, and she started stabbing herself all over. When they asked her what she was doing, she yelled, "So much for your canoe, you jerks!"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet !" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom.

 

A worldwide survey was carried out with the following question:

"Please give us your opinion on lack of food in the rest of the world"

But no result was achieved, because:

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In Africa no one knew what 'food' is;

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In Western Europe no one knew what 'lack' is;

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In Eastern Europe no one knew what 'opinion' is;

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In South America no one knew what 'please' is;

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In the United States of America no one knew what 'the rest of the world' is.

 

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department

store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get

anything there.

 

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? "Yes", I

was a salesman in the country", said the lad.  The boss liked the cut

of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you

when we close up".

 

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock

came around.  The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did

you make today?".  "One" said the young salesman.  "Only one" blurted

the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.  How much was

the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty

four dollars" said the young man.

 

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

 

"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small

fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I

sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.  I

asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I

said  he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat

department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin

engines.

 

Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I

 

took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land

Cruiser"

 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all

that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

 

"No" answered the salesman.  He came in to buy a box of Tampons for

his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may

as well go fishing".

 

 

 

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames
and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical
company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the
plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company
that brings them out safely!"
 
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen
their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire,
 
the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine
company that could bring out the company's secret files.
 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck
came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed
entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire
engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight
into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen
watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight
the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
 
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
 
Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would
double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to
personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the
old men individually the president asked the group
what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver
looked him right in the eye and said, "The first
thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

 

Two hunters are hunting deer in the Western USA.  They spot some deer on a
farmer's land and they decide to go ask the farmer if he will let them
hunt on his land.  Only one of the guys goes to ask.
 
He says, "Sir, we noticed you got some deer on your land and we wondered
if you would allow us to hunt them?"
 
The farmer says, "Sure, no problem.  But on one condition.  I got this old
horse that's real sick and just about ready to die.  I'd appreciate one of
you fella's shootin him for me.  I just can't bring myself to do it."
 
The hunter says that it won't be a problem.  On the way back to the pickup
he thinks to himself, "I'm gonna screw around with my buddy."
 
He walks up to the pickup and says, "That SOB won't let us hunt his land.
You know what, I'm gonna shoot his horse."  At this point, the first
hunter pulls out his gun and shoots the farmer's horse.
The second guy, so caught up in the emotion says, "Yeah, that SOB!" and he
starts shooting the farmer's cows.

 

 

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both

cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

After  they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar

and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.

There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God.

God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together

in peace the rest of our days."

 

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a

sign from God."

 

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is

completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few

big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the

bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The

priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think

I'll wait for the police."


 

        Three Jews were sitting on the beach in Miami. One of them said,

"Oy, gevalt! I was almost wiped out in mein business in Brooklyn, but I

had a fire and insurance took care of everything."

        "Funny you should mention that," said the second Jew. "I too was

beink almost bankrupted by mein business in Flatbush, but I had a big

burglary and the insurance took care of everything."

        "Funny you should mention that," said the third Jew. "I as well

was beink complete viped out in mein business in Crown Heights, but I had

a big flood and the insurance took care of everything."

        The other two Jews stared at him with interest. "So," said the

first one after a while, "How do you arrange for a flood?"

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